Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Prayers for our friends....
Our friend Konner is back in the hospital, his cancer has come back after 20 months of being cancer free, and our friend Kate is not doing so well either....please pray for healing for them, and comfort and peace for their families!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday morning solace...
I truly love my Sunday mornings when the house is asleep, a time for me to reflect and prepare spiritually for the day.
Yesterday ended up being a pretty lazy day, but it is on my mind, reminding me of just how very blessed we are.
Yesterday one of the families from Ethan's Make a Wish trip were holding a blood drive. We went down to support them, not intending to donate since they won't take Terry's British "mad cow" blood, and I figured I might be anemic because I have been pretty tired the past week (I know, who wouldn't be with a child with pneumonia getting albuteral treatments and being super hyper). They had an empty slot so I figured I would at least do the finger stick....well, I ended up donating. It wasn't bad at all for my first time, having had four kids I wasn't a stranger to having a needle stuck in my arm and the phlebotomysts are WAY better at it than the nurses in L&D! I did get a little woozy at the end, but a little juice and crackers and it was all good.
We sat and talked with two of the families from our trip and it was awesome to see how well their kids were doing.....Alex is almost two years post transplant, and Dana will be finished with treatment for leukemia in just a couple months.
I was not prepared for how I would feel when we left the cool air conditioned room and slammed with 104 degree heat. I was so sick I thought I might need to borrow Ethan's wheelchair. And the rest of the day was spent recovering.....but I KNOW how worth it it was....I may have spent 1 day sick, not able to do much, but it reminds me of how much time these kids spent sick, and how much these blood donations mean to their lives.....they wouldn't have made it with out people willing to go through what I did, it is SOOOOO worth the day sick to save a life. And I am so grateful for my health, for the health of my husband and children and that even though limited as Ethan is, he is healthy and we don't have to live in a hospital for any length of time. We are so very blessed!
Yesterday ended up being a pretty lazy day, but it is on my mind, reminding me of just how very blessed we are.
Yesterday one of the families from Ethan's Make a Wish trip were holding a blood drive. We went down to support them, not intending to donate since they won't take Terry's British "mad cow" blood, and I figured I might be anemic because I have been pretty tired the past week (I know, who wouldn't be with a child with pneumonia getting albuteral treatments and being super hyper). They had an empty slot so I figured I would at least do the finger stick....well, I ended up donating. It wasn't bad at all for my first time, having had four kids I wasn't a stranger to having a needle stuck in my arm and the phlebotomysts are WAY better at it than the nurses in L&D! I did get a little woozy at the end, but a little juice and crackers and it was all good.
We sat and talked with two of the families from our trip and it was awesome to see how well their kids were doing.....Alex is almost two years post transplant, and Dana will be finished with treatment for leukemia in just a couple months.
I was not prepared for how I would feel when we left the cool air conditioned room and slammed with 104 degree heat. I was so sick I thought I might need to borrow Ethan's wheelchair. And the rest of the day was spent recovering.....but I KNOW how worth it it was....I may have spent 1 day sick, not able to do much, but it reminds me of how much time these kids spent sick, and how much these blood donations mean to their lives.....they wouldn't have made it with out people willing to go through what I did, it is SOOOOO worth the day sick to save a life. And I am so grateful for my health, for the health of my husband and children and that even though limited as Ethan is, he is healthy and we don't have to live in a hospital for any length of time. We are so very blessed!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Confrontation
A few nights ago I had a horrific dream. It was a role reversal and in it I was the abuser abusing a child. The emotion was incredibly intense....the abuse it self was a blur, but how I felt after woke me with a start, gasping that it was just a dream, and it will forever haunt me, that feeling of utter sorrow and hopelessness that there was no forgiveness for what I had done and how I had irrevocably changed and harmed a life. The feelings so deep and so dark that I anguished that my abuser could be feeling this way, and after laying in bed for half an hour trying to calm down I had to get up and write and email to him as I couldn't remember if I had told him that I forgave him for the hell he put me through, for the acts of molestation, the humiliation, and then the emotional and physical abuse that followed until I left home.
I was wrong....he did not feel how my dream made me feel.
I thought that I had overcome everything I endured at his hand in the 15 years since I had moved away from home.
It confirmed something though.....I am a much stronger person than I was then.
I started simply:
I don't know if I said this to you before, and I need to make sure that you know that I forgive you for what you did to me.
Your Sister
A barrage of attacks followed. My first reaction was anger and I was ready to write him off, but my dear sweet husband talked to me, calmed me, lead me to see that there was a gentler approach, and it would allow me to be in control, in control of myself, which in the abusive situation I never had, it was always reaction and never response.
He tried to push blame on me, but through years of soul searching, and counsel from religious leaders and experts in the field, and friends who have gone through similar things....I KNEW there was no blame for this abuse on me....there is NOTHING in this world that a nine year old girl can do to deserve what this sixteen year old boy did to me....and the other abuse that followed while I had to continue to live with my abuser until I reached adulthood.
I tried to explain to him, that he can't know how what he did hurt me, and how it effected me for the rest of my life. I let him know that I was sorry if I said hurtful things to him because of what he did to me, but I also let him know that I WOULD NOT BE HIS VICTIM ANY MORE, I WILL NOT LET HIM ASSERT DOMINION OVER ME AND I WILL NOT OWN RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.
I tried to respond with sensitivity over four separate attempts to attack me , I had offered peace, but his intent was war. In the end I told him....I offered forgiveness, it is yours to accept or not.
He did not accept, he said good bye and good riddance. His choice, not mine.
I am reminded of something a friend explained to me, words that give me peace now:
It is found in the 18th chapter of Matthew:
6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 ¶ Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell afire.
10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.
11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.
12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?
13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.
14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.
It is hard to know that I went out on a limb and offered healing, only to be thrown out of the tree and left bleeding, knowing he truly doesn't understand the impact he had on my life, the hurt and helplessness he caused me to feel. It hurts to "cut off the arm" and live with the scars the rest of my life, but knowing I can't move on while I am holding on to that.
I am strong.
I have played my role.
I have left an open door.
He has closed it....and the handle is only on his side.
I am moving beyond this darkness.
I was wrong....he did not feel how my dream made me feel.
I thought that I had overcome everything I endured at his hand in the 15 years since I had moved away from home.
It confirmed something though.....I am a much stronger person than I was then.
I started simply:
I don't know if I said this to you before, and I need to make sure that you know that I forgive you for what you did to me.
Your Sister
A barrage of attacks followed. My first reaction was anger and I was ready to write him off, but my dear sweet husband talked to me, calmed me, lead me to see that there was a gentler approach, and it would allow me to be in control, in control of myself, which in the abusive situation I never had, it was always reaction and never response.
He tried to push blame on me, but through years of soul searching, and counsel from religious leaders and experts in the field, and friends who have gone through similar things....I KNEW there was no blame for this abuse on me....there is NOTHING in this world that a nine year old girl can do to deserve what this sixteen year old boy did to me....and the other abuse that followed while I had to continue to live with my abuser until I reached adulthood.
I tried to explain to him, that he can't know how what he did hurt me, and how it effected me for the rest of my life. I let him know that I was sorry if I said hurtful things to him because of what he did to me, but I also let him know that I WOULD NOT BE HIS VICTIM ANY MORE, I WILL NOT LET HIM ASSERT DOMINION OVER ME AND I WILL NOT OWN RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.
I tried to respond with sensitivity over four separate attempts to attack me , I had offered peace, but his intent was war. In the end I told him....I offered forgiveness, it is yours to accept or not.
He did not accept, he said good bye and good riddance. His choice, not mine.
I am reminded of something a friend explained to me, words that give me peace now:
It is found in the 18th chapter of Matthew:
6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 ¶ Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell afire.
10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.
11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.
12 How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?
13 And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.
14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.
It is hard to know that I went out on a limb and offered healing, only to be thrown out of the tree and left bleeding, knowing he truly doesn't understand the impact he had on my life, the hurt and helplessness he caused me to feel. It hurts to "cut off the arm" and live with the scars the rest of my life, but knowing I can't move on while I am holding on to that.
I am strong.
I have played my role.
I have left an open door.
He has closed it....and the handle is only on his side.
I am moving beyond this darkness.
Monday, September 13, 2010
I am grateful....
....for leaders who are inspired and for the revelation that comes through them, it brings comfort and peace and I hope I will always remember the counsel they have given when I am feeling especially vulnerable in my situation.
Monday, September 6, 2010
For the Beauty of the Earth...
For the beauty of the earth,
For the beauty of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the beauty of each hour
Of the day and of the night,
Hill and vale, and tree and flower,
Sun and moon and stars of light,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth, and friends above,
Pleasures pure and undefiled,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
For each perfect gift of thine,
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of heaven,
Lord of all, to thee we raise
This our grateful hymn of praise.
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