Thursday, May 6, 2010

Resigning myself to the fact.....

....that youth is gone....I reach to grasp it and find I come back empty handed.

I can't say that I am sorry though I do miss it just a here it is, middle life. A little sad that my arms will never cradle a newborn that belongs to "Me". But ever so grateful that I won't have those tired days after I have been up all night trying to sooth a fussy baby. And not quite looking forward to children in their teens, though I am getting my first tastes of it from an almost 9 year old boy who is trying very hard to make it very clear that despite his complete dependence on me he still has his agency....I hate the consequences....when I lost it after he got angry and kicked me with his "body armor" (AFO's) hurt really bad and I made sure he knew it, the felt horrid for shouting at him as loud as I did. I would like to think it is an isolated event, but I know it's not as this behavior is becoming more and more common and it shocks me every time, even though I tried to prepare myself that this time would come....

I find myself wanting to spend more and more time up on out land, so my kids will at least have a chance at some of the freedoms that I had as a child. I hate how they are confined by the conditions of modern society and as much as my desire for "community" is strong, I cringe at the thought of letting my kids out of my sight in our "city home"....I hate the fact that they have not been given the liberty of a sleep over at a friends, things that I know I enjoyed as a child, at least when we are on our land they can run free without much worry and they are not confined to home. I find myself looking forward to when they are grown and they are responsible for themselves and at least comprehend the enormous responsibilities on their shoulders. I both look forward to and dread the whole high school experience, which I fondly remember in my own life was more of an escape than a challenge an escape for the reality of my life at home which was troubled and I hope beyond hope that it is not an "escape" for them as it needed to be for me because I truly enjoyed much of my teenage years and keenly I am aware of how different my children are from me and how I was.

Just lately I have been trying to reclaim some of the simple pleasures that I had then that I lost while growing up, things that were my saving grace back then, like my music and my writing....I find myself needing those escapes right now with the added stress the court system is in my married life with raising a child with incredible physical challenges. I feel violated as a parent by them, sometimes that I have no rights at all, regardless of how good of a job I am doing, and the fact that I know my child better than anyone or the fact that we truly do have his best interests at heart. This makes me incredibly angry, and it strains my marriage because there is nothing me or Terry can do about it, short of giving up everything we have works so hard for.

I also struggle spiritually, knowing who I am, and where I want to be and dividing myself between the nurturing I know I need personally (spiritually) and what I am keenly aware of what my marital and family relationship demand. I need to find a balance....I need to find peace which just lately seems impossible....I love the time my summers give me with Terry and with my children, but this year I find myself dreading it just a little and I feel guilty that I might be being just a bit selfish.

It doesn't help my mood at all that Mother's Day is practically here and it comes with a lot of mixed fact that is tearing me apart inside....I am to terribly hurt to just forgive and forget because doing so means letting go entirely and accepting that I never will have the relationship with my own mother that I am so desperate for my own children to have with me.

Youth is gone....midlife is here....35 is just weeks away....and I am going to be fine if I can just find a little peace and accept that not everything can be the way I want it to be.

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