Just Point Me in the Right Direction....

And I will get there.....working on making my blog pretty and uniquely me. Thank you so much Vicki for pointing me in the right direction to get the job done!

Perfect Love, and the deceiver....

I am trying to figure out why, where it began, where we all get the idea that "we must be perfect"....I see it in my children and I wondered if I have misled them somehow and I wonder how I can correct this problem, because we need to change our hearts and our was of thinking so we do not get into a cycle of self destructive behavior. We can strive for "perfection" but we need to realize that it is a very long process, and something that is not even attainable on our own. I need to switch our thinking to "trying our best in all things, knowing that we will probably fall short and THAT IS OK". It is not about who wins, it is about how we play the game....BUT the deceiver is doing an excellent job. He plays on these ideas we have so masterfully. He lies and we believe him. We get caught up in a negative cycle of imagined failure and the claiming of shame and guilt that is not our own....it is a trap, and it is the most fantastic trap and it works so well. There is another side though, one that is hard to see from the dark pit that we so often find ourselves at the bottom of. Our Heavenly Father's Love is Perfect and if we LET him, he will make up for our short comings if we just embrace the fact that we are not perfect, we can not do it on our own, but if we do our best in all we do (and acknowledge and take responsibility when we don't and change our ways) he has ALREADY "paid the difference" for where we fall short. The deceiver has been working hard on me lately, trying to discourage me from the path that I know is right, playing on very real emotions and concerns, but twisting them to make me feel bad about where I fall short....which is why I am writing this post, because perhaps if I write it down, I will be able to read it and remember when I am feeling a little bit of that shame and guilt that I will remember that our Savior has ALREADY paid the difference, and I just have to try my best. I am not capable of doing everything and it is not about being perfect, it is our effort that counts. My heart is in the right place and I need to allow him to share my burden, because HE CAN NOT just take it from me....I HAVE to LET him. *I* feel My Saviors LOVE, in all the world around me. I taste it in the wonderful food I am able to grow in my garden. I hear in beautiful music that calms my soul. I smell it in the clean air after a storm. I see it when my husband looks at me. I touch that love when I held my newborn babies. I feel his love when I acknowledge him in all things.

Rising from the Ashes....

The last few weeks have been both AMAZING beyond words and incredibly trying for me. I have been lifted up. I have experienced incredible heartache, tears of joy and sorrow. I have pondered and I have prayed. I have searched the depths of my soul for answers that still allude me, but found others easily. I have studied, and meditated. I have been confused, and I let go. I have opened myself to new possibilities and I have thanked my Heavenly Father. I have confided in friends like I have never confided before on subjects so tender they still have the power to consume me, and they have responded with such gentleness and sensitivity. I have learned that this healing process will probably not be complete for a very long time, but I am embracing it, and I can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see that I am not alone....I am like a Phoenix though I have yet to unfurl the magnificence of myself made whole.

the "REAL" Mark

Children need to be taught to be charitable....

It is good to teach....but it is better to do.
Some of God's children on earth were born with a natural tendency to be charitable. The rest, need to learn this quality and embrace it in their hearts. And it is not something that just comes to us over time, it is easier if charity is a part of our lives from a young age, demonstrated by our parents, teachers and leaders, then it becomes second nature. I have a special child that was born with a charitable heart, but my other children have learned charity by watching me. My charity work began long before they were ever born, when my own troubled childhood, a high school service project, my passion for babies, especially those born too soon, and my God given talent for sewing led me to a group called Newborns in Need. I could never know at that time that I (or my children rather) would be the recipient of items so lovingly made by volunteers of this group when three of my four children were born ill and spent time in the NICU at a hospital I had regularly donated to. Also I had made donations to the Make-A Wish foundation and done charity fund-raising events for the organization before I ever knew my own little boy would have a wish granted. Charity was healing, charity filled an emptiness in my heart after abuse in my childhood, charity helped build a fragile self esteem, charity helped to calm a troubled spirit and filled my time with a positive activity that could have just as easily be filled with a negative one. Charity gives you purpose, And most importantly, through charity we are acting as our Heavenly Father's hands here on earth....we are his Angels, his Miracle Workers, and what greater honor could we give our children than this: to be angels unknown. And what better way to build character and love and compassion for those who are less fortunate and help others bear a heavy burden as our have been lifted by our Savior. I have a small bit of insight on what those tiny items of clothing meant to a new mother who's baby was connected to all kinds of machines just to sustain life, those clothes bring comfort and ease very real fear....and that wish has brought excitement and hope to my child, a child who is so brave and strong and happy just to be what he is, who doesn't resent that his body does not work even though his mind does and he is very aware of how different he is....but HE is not the one who is broken, he is the most perfect, loving and giving person I know and he gives me strength through his courage and willingness, he "gives" just by being here in my life. He touches lives without ever having to do anything other than smile, though he does so much more. His voice is loud through his actions even though he can not speak, not the way you and I can. He has power within him that we can not even fathom to change hearts to those who let him take part in their lives, I have seen it, and I have marveled at it, and I have rejoiced in this and I am HONORED above anything to be part of his live and blessed with the strength I have gained from being a mother to a Giving Child. My other children have learned by this example to have charity in their hearts, a lesson that I have always tried to demonstrate and teach them through my work, but could not be better taught than by their brother, a small child like them who is so willing to give.

Progress

Only my fourth post today....but, I neglected to post an update on Ethan, who finally after waiting more than six months was seen by the Doctor in Physical medicine.

First: Ethan gained 9 pounds since his last visit at the hospital in August....this is simply amazing and the only thing I can contribute it to is the Hippotherapy.

Second: The Doctor agreed that Ethan should be on a trial of Baclofen to see if it helps him control his movements....and if it does he should get a Baclofen Pump (major progress!)

Third: Ethan is finally getting AFO's and a Brace for his back and the doctor thinks he may be able to st on his own and maybe even stand! (something I wrote off years ago, but with all the progress lately I am even hoping that someday he might even walk with a walker!)

There will be....

There will be....no more skeletons in my closet....
And there will be no more demons within me....
And this hard day will not discourage me....
Nor any hard day that I have yet to endure....
I will not stay silent and pretend the silence protects me....
I can not be broken, because I am not yet made whole....
And once I am whole I will never again let myself be broken....