A thought for Friday....

Healing...

Yesterday I felt incredible strength and courage....and I KNEW I was not alone.

I will fill my life so full of light that darkness will not be able to find it's way in.....I find it curious that even a tiny light has power over darkness....but a tiny darkness can not power over light...the darkness has to completely envelope and the light extinguished.

"the Spirit giveth Light to EVERY man that cometh into the world...."

Hence, we are all beacons because of the divine light of Christ which is in us.

"Let YOUR light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."

Happy Anniversary

Just Point Me in the Right Direction....

And I will get there.....working on making my blog pretty and uniquely me. Thank you so much Vicki for pointing me in the right direction to get the job done!

Perfect Love, and the deceiver....

I am trying to figure out why, where it began, where we all get the idea that "we must be perfect"....I see it in my children and I wondered if I have misled them somehow and I wonder how I can correct this problem, because we need to change our hearts and our was of thinking so we do not get into a cycle of self destructive behavior. We can strive for "perfection" but we need to realize that it is a very long process, and something that is not even attainable on our own. I need to switch our thinking to "trying our best in all things, knowing that we will probably fall short and THAT IS OK". It is not about who wins, it is about how we play the game....BUT the deceiver is doing an excellent job. He plays on these ideas we have so masterfully. He lies and we believe him. We get caught up in a negative cycle of imagined failure and the claiming of shame and guilt that is not our own....it is a trap, and it is the most fantastic trap and it works so well. There is another side though, one that is hard to see from the dark pit that we so often find ourselves at the bottom of. Our Heavenly Father's Love is Perfect and if we LET him, he will make up for our short comings if we just embrace the fact that we are not perfect, we can not do it on our own, but if we do our best in all we do (and acknowledge and take responsibility when we don't and change our ways) he has ALREADY "paid the difference" for where we fall short. The deceiver has been working hard on me lately, trying to discourage me from the path that I know is right, playing on very real emotions and concerns, but twisting them to make me feel bad about where I fall short....which is why I am writing this post, because perhaps if I write it down, I will be able to read it and remember when I am feeling a little bit of that shame and guilt that I will remember that our Savior has ALREADY paid the difference, and I just have to try my best. I am not capable of doing everything and it is not about being perfect, it is our effort that counts. My heart is in the right place and I need to allow him to share my burden, because HE CAN NOT just take it from me....I HAVE to LET him. *I* feel My Saviors LOVE, in all the world around me. I taste it in the wonderful food I am able to grow in my garden. I hear in beautiful music that calms my soul. I smell it in the clean air after a storm. I see it when my husband looks at me. I touch that love when I held my newborn babies. I feel his love when I acknowledge him in all things.

Rising from the Ashes....

The last few weeks have been both AMAZING beyond words and incredibly trying for me. I have been lifted up. I have experienced incredible heartache, tears of joy and sorrow. I have pondered and I have prayed. I have searched the depths of my soul for answers that still allude me, but found others easily. I have studied, and meditated. I have been confused, and I let go. I have opened myself to new possibilities and I have thanked my Heavenly Father. I have confided in friends like I have never confided before on subjects so tender they still have the power to consume me, and they have responded with such gentleness and sensitivity. I have learned that this healing process will probably not be complete for a very long time, but I am embracing it, and I can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see that I am not alone....I am like a Phoenix though I have yet to unfurl the magnificence of myself made whole.

the "REAL" Mark

Children need to be taught to be charitable....

It is good to teach....but it is better to do.
Some of God's children on earth were born with a natural tendency to be charitable. The rest, need to learn this quality and embrace it in their hearts. And it is not something that just comes to us over time, it is easier if charity is a part of our lives from a young age, demonstrated by our parents, teachers and leaders, then it becomes second nature. I have a special child that was born with a charitable heart, but my other children have learned charity by watching me. My charity work began long before they were ever born, when my own troubled childhood, a high school service project, my passion for babies, especially those born too soon, and my God given talent for sewing led me to a group called Newborns in Need. I could never know at that time that I (or my children rather) would be the recipient of items so lovingly made by volunteers of this group when three of my four children were born ill and spent time in the NICU at a hospital I had regularly donated to. Also I had made donations to the Make-A Wish foundation and done charity fund-raising events for the organization before I ever knew my own little boy would have a wish granted. Charity was healing, charity filled an emptiness in my heart after abuse in my childhood, charity helped build a fragile self esteem, charity helped to calm a troubled spirit and filled my time with a positive activity that could have just as easily be filled with a negative one. Charity gives you purpose, And most importantly, through charity we are acting as our Heavenly Father's hands here on earth....we are his Angels, his Miracle Workers, and what greater honor could we give our children than this: to be angels unknown. And what better way to build character and love and compassion for those who are less fortunate and help others bear a heavy burden as our have been lifted by our Savior. I have a small bit of insight on what those tiny items of clothing meant to a new mother who's baby was connected to all kinds of machines just to sustain life, those clothes bring comfort and ease very real fear....and that wish has brought excitement and hope to my child, a child who is so brave and strong and happy just to be what he is, who doesn't resent that his body does not work even though his mind does and he is very aware of how different he is....but HE is not the one who is broken, he is the most perfect, loving and giving person I know and he gives me strength through his courage and willingness, he "gives" just by being here in my life. He touches lives without ever having to do anything other than smile, though he does so much more. His voice is loud through his actions even though he can not speak, not the way you and I can. He has power within him that we can not even fathom to change hearts to those who let him take part in their lives, I have seen it, and I have marveled at it, and I have rejoiced in this and I am HONORED above anything to be part of his live and blessed with the strength I have gained from being a mother to a Giving Child. My other children have learned by this example to have charity in their hearts, a lesson that I have always tried to demonstrate and teach them through my work, but could not be better taught than by their brother, a small child like them who is so willing to give.

Progress

Only my fourth post today....but, I neglected to post an update on Ethan, who finally after waiting more than six months was seen by the Doctor in Physical medicine.

First: Ethan gained 9 pounds since his last visit at the hospital in August....this is simply amazing and the only thing I can contribute it to is the Hippotherapy.

Second: The Doctor agreed that Ethan should be on a trial of Baclofen to see if it helps him control his movements....and if it does he should get a Baclofen Pump (major progress!)

Third: Ethan is finally getting AFO's and a Brace for his back and the doctor thinks he may be able to st on his own and maybe even stand! (something I wrote off years ago, but with all the progress lately I am even hoping that someday he might even walk with a walker!)

There will be....

There will be....no more skeletons in my closet....
And there will be no more demons within me....
And this hard day will not discourage me....
Nor any hard day that I have yet to endure....
I will not stay silent and pretend the silence protects me....
I can not be broken, because I am not yet made whole....
And once I am whole I will never again let myself be broken....

Ashes....

I have always been a firm believer that it takes a community to raise a child....there is simply now way in our day and age for any set of parents to have all the life experiences to be equipped to handle everything that our children will come in contact with and experience....and in these times we can often feel alone and confused, and perhaps even feel like we are out of our own minds, when actually we are not. With technology and our current situation in the world I find, as have many others, that our children are exposed to far more and at a younger age than we ourselves were exposed or encountered similar situations, therefore, we find ourselves at a loss when things do not go as we, as parents, have planned and we find ourselves in uncharted territory.....but all is not lost. I am so glad that I was able to help a friend today understand the feelings of her own child, who she was struggling to understand through the "ashes" of my own childhood, or adolescence to be exact. I call them "ashes" because they are burning feelings that had at that time in my life and they worked themselves out and cooled and are now are gone. And I am so glad that I was able to do this, because he simply is a delightful young man, who probably has difficulty even understanding what he himself is feeling, and therefore has difficulty expressing his thoughts appropriately, and acts out because of this....I know that anger, I went through a similar situation when I was about the same age....and I said the same things he did to his mom and acted in much the same way. I wonder if my mom felt as crazy and helpless as his mom did as I know that my mom probably had no one that had gone through the same thing that could help her understand what I was feeling, even though I couldn't even explain why I felt the way I did in that situation. As parents, we all know that there is no "manual" that can tell us how to fix everything, why our kids do and act the way they do. It doesn't help that every child and every set of circumstances is different either....but it does help to know that we are not alone and that what our children are feeling, and expressing is normal and we "are not nuts". We are not drowning, we just need a little help and encouragement, a little bolster or life-vest in this vast dark ocean that can go from calm to tempest in the blink of an eye.

My Treasures....

My sweet children....
My greatest delight
My love for you has only grown
from the moment you were born
I love your each discovery
Your amazement and wonder
Even when you are naughty
When I have to correct you, and guide you to where you should be
With each new stage my heart grows to accommodate
As my love for you expands
You are my diamonds
More precious than any gem
You are my every treasure I could hope for
and more.....

I want *MY* computer back....

As much as I have appreciated having this computer to use....I want MY computer back....you know the one that has my photo editing software, and all the other programs I use that are NOT on this computer.....so MISTER BRIGHT, if you are reading this, AND you do not have time to work on my computer.....please tell me what I need to do so I can fix it so I can post updates to my website and edit all these beautiful pictures I have taken with my new camera....so I can personalize my blog so it is *pretty* rather than boring....where I don't have to worry about you unplugging things I use and taking the hub (or what ever it is called) to work and not bringing it back for days or weeks or months.....I *know* my computer is old, but I like it, and I like how my old programs work and I am used to them and I don't want to learn how to use new ones....PRETTY PLEASE!!!!!

Excruciating.....

I have NO idea what I could possibly have done to my back....other than lifting Ethan in and out of his wheelchair and in and out of bed. When we got back from the Highland Games on Saturday my back was a little achy....on SUNDAY....I couldn't even really get out of bed and I think staying in bed was probably not the right thing to do either. Well I had the brilliant idea yesterday that all my back needed was a nice long walk....WRONG! After a LONG walk (which I am really glad I at least got Chloe out of the house and let her play at the park a little) I was crippled....Tylenol was not even touching the pain even while alternating hot and cold packs so by the time Terry got home I desperately needed to take a vicodin..... which I never take pain meds for anything, but was glad I still had some from my ruptured cyst. It only took about 4 more hours of pain after that before my back muscles started to relax a bit and then I was able to get and ok night of sleep, and I am a TINY bit better this morning, but am afraid to do much of anything even though I KNOW sitting can't be good for my back either! I need some distraction.....