Nesting....

No, I am not necessarily talking about that period of time when you clean like mad just before giving birth.....nor am I talking about rabbits. I am talking about that perpetual need to nurture and the pursuit of being “the perfect parent”....which by the way is a pretty UNREALISTIC goal. But for me it is a kind of madness, stemming from a broken childhood riddled with difficulties, a way of healing my own scares by providing them with the love and nurturing I still feel I was shorted when I was growing up. But I love my children with such intensity I can not contain it inside of me, and I find that I love them more and more each day. I have worked VERY hard on open communication, something that was crucial for me, and also very difficult because I DID NOT have this when I was a child and it damaged me....finding someone I could actually talk to was key in finding a companion I could spend the rest of my life with....and something I have found in precious few individuals....less than I can count on one hand in fact! I did not want my children to feel silenced like I did....and they don't, we talk about everything, and I hope they never stop. The other mania in my life is that I MUST NOT EVER forget one of my children, I never want them to feel alone, or invisible, or like they don't matter. This would just be the end of me, reminding me that though I seem strong, and feel safe that I am ever so vulnerable.....and it doesn't help that I am a bit absent minded and that I am not very focused most of the time. Sometimes I look back at my own life growing up, and I feel like the baby rabbit that was born on the wire floor of the cage instead of that warm and cozy nest surrounded by the safety and security of my family.....and I have made my whole environment around me that nest so that one of my babies could not possibly even find their way to that cold harsh place. Thank goodness for fathers...because I am so aware of our need in our family for that balance....I am just so frightened of falling short in some way because they are my life now, the life I have chosen for myself.....so I pluck my own fur and discard my own discomforts to make sure this environment is ideal for raising happy and healthy children the best way I know how....and while I know I fall short in so many ways I have every faith that there is always someone there making up for what I am not able to do and I thank you for that, this was never meant to be a job for just one....